Perspective

Have you ever had a time in life where your only mode of transportation is your own body? Where, if you want to go anywhere you have to be relying on your legs? 

That is no longer me. I now have a bike! And let me tell you, having my primary mode of transportation switch from walking to biking has made this city seem so much smaller! Now, instead of having to leave the coffee shop more than an hour before the start of class in order to insure I get there in time, I'm thinking that twenty minutes will suffice, maybe less seeing as it's all downhill. 

Oh yeah. In case you haven't heard, there is a mountain in the middle of El Paso. This means that whichever direction you go, you are either heading uphill or downhill. I'm not used to this. I'm a prairie girl, used to being able to ride for miles without worrying about gravity's effect on my riding time. Now here I am, trying to ride bike in a city of slopes and slants. None of my previous experiences prepared me for this. I am used to being able to get from point A to point B the way I want in the time I plan for. My ride this morning did not reflect this. I left my home with the expectation of having a nice relaxing bike ride to the coffee shop. What actually occurred was that I had a nice bike ride to the main road, and then, as I turned towards the shop, and also the mountain, I was forced to hop off my bike to keep from rolling backwards down the hill. After a half hour of walking, pushing my bike up ahead of me, I arrived at my destination, tired, drenched with sweat, and ready to drop. I felt a bit like I had failed. I had planned to bike this morning and ended up walking. But in the end I did reach the destination, even if it wasn't totally as planned.

How often do I fall into this trap in life? Even in getting to El Paso. I knew that my end destination was to get to midwifery school. I had it all planned out how things were going to go: I'd finish my anatomy & physiology course over the summer and ace it, I'd work hard all winter to get enough money, then I'd head out in March so that I could be done the program sooner. ...what actually happened: I took all summer, and all winter, and part of spring to finish my a&p course and I almost failed it, I worked all winter and summer and still didn't make enough for my peace of mind, and I started in September, six months after I had planned to. 

Though in the moment I had been discouraged that I hadn't lived up to my own expectations, now that I am here and experiencing it, I can see that I needed that extra 6 months to prepare, and I'm so grateful that I am able to be studying with the people I am. So how will I react in the future? Will I be discouraged, or will I have patience and see how God is going to work it out for good? 

Coincidence?

I went to the library today with the expectation of just checking for some emails, and maybe finding a book. I ended up feeling like doing some homework, so I quickly looked for a place to set up shop and spotted the perfect place: a comfortable chair, close to a plug in, table attached. As I made my way toward the chair, I noticed a young man walking towards it as well. I slowed down, thinking I had lost the spot, but he only dropped a pencil on the table and went on his way. Sitting down at the table I pulled out my laptop and my flash cards, but I just couldn't seem to find a pen in my backpack, only the pencil that had been left. ...how surprisingly amazing it is to have Someone looking out for me.

Life

Life.

It can be found in the most unexpected of places. On my walk to class, I marvel at the array of vegetation in the forgotten places where water sits for days after rain while the rest of the city, though taken care of, could not easily be described in any way as green.

When walking through the city, I've noticed that life seems to thrive in the midst of challenges and adversity. In my observations I have seen stark contrasts between the different parts of the city. I went to visit some friends in the new upper-class area of the city the other day. There were beautiful walking paths, grassy parks, and creatively built playgrounds. It was an ideal place to live. Yet I saw not a soul outside. Through the windows of the houses I could see flat screen TVs and the glow of computers. In the area of town I'm in at the moment, more middle-class, I see the odd person walking quickly to or from some seemingly important business. Yet the area of town I walked through this morning, a place that looks like the slums you see in the movies, there were kids outside running through the broken glass playing tag. I passed by a place called the Boom Box, and there was a crowd of young people on the lot teaching each other some version of street dance. People looked each other in the eyes and greeted one another. In the midst of the deteriorating scenery there was a sense of community. In spite (or some might say because) of the use needles lying around, the broken fences, and cracking streets there seemed to be a spark of joy and expectancy in the air. So may I thank God in adversity, and may He use it in my journey to bring life and joy.

Deals

I was at the store yesterday, Albertson's it's called. They have this deal called the 10 for $10. Now I only had $10 left in my allotment for food for the month, so I thought this would be perfect. I could get ten things that all looked like they could give me at least a day in meals, and I'd make it through (especially since I already have a ton of food at home).
I bee-lined to the soup area, since I've been craving something hot with all this cold weather we've been starting to have, and I looked through the different kinds of Campbell's that were on this sale. As I was browsing, I noticed that there were other soups, store brands, that weren't on sale, but they were $.69 and .$88 each. I didn't take much note of them, because I was deal shopping... but then I realized that I wasn't actually deal shopping, I was just looking for things that looked like a deal. I had so programmed my brain to look for sales that anything without that *sale* tag must not be worth considering. I ended up ditching the 10 for $10, since that was actually pretty expensive compared to other things that I was finding, but it made me think. What else am I doing in life, what or who else am I overlooking because they don't have the "right tag"?

Beans, beans, magical fruit...

I made some beans the other day. 

Since I like the overnight soaked refried beans, I started soaking them early Monday morning with plans of cooking them later that evening. Coincidentally, I got a call that morning asking me if there was any way I could take the shift of a fellow midwife who was sick. I eagerly took the opportunity, rushing to grab food, uniform and keys before racing out the door. The next morning, getting off of shift, I stayed at the clinic to work on some reports that I had missed, thinking I’d stay in the area until class that afternoon. Getting home after class, I walked into my room, and realized that I had forgotten about my beans. 

They had been sitting in the pot, soaking now for a day and a half, and when I opened the lid, a slightly interesting odor escaped, but I figured, why not finish making them? Draining the old water, I added new water and a bit of garlic. I put it on to boil, made sure it was safely simmering, then went to my room to read, setting my alarm for an hour. The next thing I know, I wake up in the middle of the night with this feeling that I forgot something. I stumble over to my open window, wondering why I hadn’t closed it before going to bed, then, as I saw my shirt, I wondered why I hadn’t changed before heading to sleep. Then it hit me! I ran to the kitchen, expecting to find a mess of an oven, and a black mound of beans. When I got there, the element was off, and the beans didn’t look too bad, with just one layer burnt on the bottom (thanks to whoever turned them off). Even though it was 1am, I thought it best that I finish the process of making them before I went to bed and totally forgot about them again. 

So like I said...I made some beans today. 

Unique...

The more I get to know El Paso, the more I realize it is like no other city. As far as language goes, from those I've talked to in the city, it seems like either people are totally bilingual, or they know neither Spanish or English, just a combination of TexMex. As far as culture goes, it is also neither here nor there, just a mix of border culture. Also, unlike other cities of its size, El Paso feels very much like a small town, with its hospitality and helpfulness.
Now there is one thing about El Paso which I am used to: you know how most cities these days have leash laws; the kind that state that all dogs are to be on leash or behind a fence? El Paso has one of those. But in the past couple of days, as I've been walking around the city, I've seen some unique interpretations of that law.
In walking around the city a lot, I've gotten used to the fact that people look down, up, and almost anywhere but in other people's eyes. But the other day, I looked up and saw that whoever, or whatever was headed toward me was staring me down. As this unrecognizable thing got closer, I realized what it was. It was a young man taking his dog for a walk, but, instead of letting his giant growling dog run free, he was carrying his charge, flies, barks, wiggles and all.
Then today, on my way to the library, I saw another sight. Down the road walked two dogs, trailed, presumably, by their owner. This owner had gone as far as to put leashes on his dogs, but had yet to pick them up from where they trailed behind the dogs.

Attitude

Usually when I think of the word attitude my thoughts turn to words like grumpy, happy, sad, and such. But the other day we spent a day of classes talking about attitude and I found out that it is something totally different. When talking about the attitude of a baby in the womb, one talks about the baby's position in relation to its mother.
Now if we take that information and apply it with what I'm starting to memorize in Philippians, that my attitude is to be like that of Christ Jesus, it really changes the meaning. Instead of my continuous striving to be that perfectly pleasant person that I often picture Christ to be, my efforts can now go towards my position in life in comparison to Christ, drawing myself nearer to Him. Like I read recently: "To keep perspective, we are invited to take on the attitude of Christ. The word 'attitude' addresses our position. ...when we choose the attitude of Christ, our lives become firmly grounded. The attitude of Christ both humbles and inspires us" (Erwin Ralphael McManus' Uprising: A Revolution of the Soul; 62).

Catching

Imagine the most beautiful moment you have ever been a part of. The peaceful atmosphere. The joy in your heart. The excitement and anticipation of great things yet to come.  

Why am I talking about this? Well, I caught my first baby today. and it was nothing like that. 

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.

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Being my first birth in which I was expected to have any type of responsibility more than that of watching and writing notes, when the woman came into the clinic, my brain was freaking out. I had no idea what to do or when to do it, but the licensed midwife didn't seem too phased that I was acting as student midwife (I guess the midwives here know that everyone has to start somewhere, so it might as well be under their watchful eyes). So I did what midwives are known for doing: I sat and waited. And, lo and behold, the baby was born almost before my brain could process it, and somehow I was doing the right things at the right time, and, once everyone was settled and mom and baby's vitals were checked, mom and baby and family ended up in a happy little huddle on the bed. So in the end, it was a beautiful moment, filled with the wonder and awe of the children seeing the miracle of birth for the first time, and my hands and heart tingling from having been a part of it. 

Surrender

Having now been helping in births for almost three weeks, I have come to a realization that birth presents us as women with a unique opportunity to grow. As everyone seems to know, the process of labour is painful. And, when I think about it, my normal reaction to pain is to tense up, just like my normal reaction to change in life is to stress or get up in arms. 

Getting back to pain, tensing up usually isn't the worst way to deal with it, but when you look at labour pain, you can only tense up and fight the pain for so. The body can only handle so much stress before it gives up. I've seen it quite a few times where the mother comes to the clinic in terrible pain, fighting the contractions, tensing up for every one, and finally she comes to the point where she realizes that she can't do it. She doesn't have the strength or energy left to continue. She's done for. She wants out. 

The first time I saw a mother get to this point, where she had lost hope of being able to go through with labour, where she was frantic in her exclamations of having failed, I didn't know what to think. Here I had gone to class and heard that our bodies are made to withstand the strain of giving birth, and now I was faced with what looked like the opposite. I looked to the midwife to see what her next action would be, but she didn't seemed to be inclined to do anything. She was just sitting there with a big smile lighting her face as if nothing could be better than hearing that this woman was giving up. 

As oxymoronic as it sounds, it's true. Giving up is what allows us to keep going. In birth it is necessary to surrender to the work that the body is doing, and relax into it, working together with the pain of contractions. It is only after a woman stops fighting the pain that the contractions are able to really finish well the work that they are intended for. In life it is necessary to surrender to the will of God, not to fight the discomforts and hard times, but to work together with God to make something beautiful out of the pain. When we give up, God steps in.

Use Paper

Today I thought I'd go out into the world and get some things done. There was a sale on for oranges (4 lb. for $.99) at the market, I had a couple of things to mail off, and I had just found a hotel card in my computer bag.
Heading out, I stopped first at the hotel. I wasn't sure where I could find a post office open on Saturdays, and I imagined the the hotel workers might have an idea of this. Dropping off the card and chatting a bit with the employees, I found out pretty quickly that they had no idea where a post office was, let alone if it would be open.
Sitting down at the computer there, I was able to find the address of a post office in the area that would be open till early afternoon, so I grabbed the nearest writing utensil and started to jot down the street number on my wrist. One of the employees offered me a piece of paper, which I declined, as I had already finished up and was getting ready to leave. As I put down the permanent marker, stood up from the computer and turned around, I found myself face to face with a tall, well-built older man with skin black as the night. He looked me dead in the eyes and warned me "Missi, nex time, use a piece o' paper, will ya. 'cause if you keep o' writin' on yo self like that, you's a' gonna end up like me!"

One Month!

Without my realizing it, the one month mark has passed. I have officially survived the first month of this 18 month program, and I am really enjoying it! Like with any life-changing decision, I had my doubts about whether or not I was crazy to try to do this, but as of the one month mark, I am loving it! With the 24 hour shifts, the classes, the hours of laundry, the homework, the schedule of appointment after appointment, the faces showing up ringing the doorbell in the middle of the night, the bleaching, bleaching, and more bleaching...with all this, I've been seeing the hand of God in the heartbeat of every baby, in the glimmer of joy in the eyes of a mother who hears her baby's first cry, the breath of fresh air when stepping out to do laundry. I have the best job in the world. I get to be in the room the moment new life is born. I get to see women become mothers, and watch as love gives birth to life. I am privileged. I am blessed.

Garbage

I saw something today that I never expected to see because I didn't even know it existed. I saw what looked like a normal garbage truck coming down the street, slowly but surely. That part was normal. The abnormal part was that I didn't see anyone getting out of the truck to grab the garbage as it went. As it got closer, I finally saw the reason for this: on the side of the truck was a claw that would shoot out and grab each garbage can, chuck the garbage in the truck, and set the container down again before moving on. You city folks who have seen this day in and day out may wonder how I could have made it so far without seeing this, but this is something new to me, and being new, my brain started thinking about it.

In looking at this process of garbage disposal, I realized how impersonal it is, and for garbage disposal I don't think that's a bad thing, but I was brought back to the way I deal with my own mental and emotional junk. When I feel anything messy or uncomfortable, I have this tendency to mentally back away from it, to disengage and try to avoid having to deal with it. But that's not the approach that Jesus took with our human mess. Jesus lived with us and saw our sinfulness. Jesus loved us in our brokenness, loved us enough to not only see the mess we had gotten ourselves into, but also loved us enough to take our blame on himself and experience the consequences for our sins. And he loves us enough to take the mess we have and mold it into something beautiful, like an artist can make a piece of wonder out of a pile of junk. God doesn't run from our garbage, He transforms.

Getting Old

I admit it. It's true.
I'm starting to get old.

I have all the signs and symptoms: the ankles that creak as I stand up; the one gray hair that just keeps growing back; the huffing and puffing that starts as soon as I'm halfway up the stairs (though that may be more a sign of my habit of sitting around in class for weeks at a time). But the biggest sign: my brain just isn't what it used to be. Then again, my brain may never have been what I imagine it to have been in my younger years. I can still remember the frustration of having finally thought of the perfect gift to ask for at Christmas time only to forget it before having the chance to let anyone else know.

So what does getting old have to do with anything? Not much, really. But my memory, or lack of it at times, set me up for a big surprise.

Before moving to Texas, I had been thinking of where I wanted to live, what my ideal conditions would be, who I'd live with; and I had decided that I wanted to live with a middle aged couple who would have enough of a life that I could have the freedom to come and go as I needed without feeling as though they were counting on me. So I asked God to make that happen. Now as I started to look on Craig's list for a place to stay, and as I was in touch with the school, the only options I heard about were with other people my age, or in apartments. When I got down here, the same story presented itself. As I continued to look, I totally forgot my ideal as even just finding a relatively suitable place was enough of a challenge for me, but now, as I take note of where God has put me for the first month of this program, I couldn't have asked for anything better. He answered my prayer to a 'T', and has blessed beyond my expectations. I guess that just goes to show again that He does answer prayers, even when I forget about them :)